Busy life

I might need a new vehicle soon... only because my life has been nothing but crazy busy with travel.
We are hardly ever home and I am feeling the effects of it. I need my bed, to cozy up on the couch and to have more home cooked meals. A lot of people tell me they understand and add that "Of course, you're a single mom. How do you do it?" Oh come on. Not that that is a bad thing, but really. Even if I had a partner, I know I would still be this busy. I would still hardly be at home. And that is sad, because I am now seeing my own childhood in my sons. I grew up with both parents working and I was often shuttled to my Grandparents or Aunties... or stayed home with my older sister and brother. The boys are either running errands with me... and when they aren't they would rather be with Grandma. Lately, they opt out of traveling with me or going with me on my sessions. I told myself when I had kids that I would give my 100% and do a lot of activities with them. I need to work on this.

These past few days, I have had time to realize we need to be home. I miss them being small enough to all fit on my bed. I miss waking up in the middle of the night to count 4 little heads and cover them in blankets. I miss being able to pick their clothes out for them and help them in the bath. Life is going by too fast. They aren't so little anymore, but I am thankful Warren and Kai still use baby shampoo when they take showers, because hugging them and smelling that scent is everything to me.

10 more days until December 21st. My heart is already hurting and I can feel that choking feeling in my throat. I don't know if I'll be okay with that date, because right now I am tearing up. Closing my eyes, I replay those seconds, minutes... hours of our family heartbreak. I can't do it. I miss him. I miss him so much and it hurts so bad.

I think I have found the reason why I am keeping busy. Because when I slow down to think, my mind comes straight to why I feel so lonely and lost. So I frantically find something to do, somewhere to go, someone to see.

It is suppose to snow on Saturday. I feel the wacky weather. Maybe a little snow is what me and the boys need.