During the last 9 days of the 2013 year I had the most painful experience ever. I lived in a hazy fog, my whole body was numb and I was living in a very terrible dream, a dream I wish I could’ve woke up from. I am still grieving and I don’t know if I will ever be okay, but I survived my heart breaking from the loss of my brother.
During those first days all I got were text messages, Facebook messages, phone calls and visits from a shit load of people I knew and didn’t know at all. I hated seeing the notifications of another unread message or text, because I knew it was just another “I’m sorry”. I wanted to throw my phone across the room and just be done with it all. There were just so much thoughts I couldn’t process.
Those first few hours, I did read the few texts I got, because those few hours after my brother was gone, only close family and friends knew. Once people started arriving to the house, I stayed in my mom’s room because there were families in the house that I have never seen in years. I stayed in the room and cried on and off. The boys would come in and out of the room to check on me. I stayed in the room until my dad and sister came home. My chest had this huge ache in it, I felt lost. I couldn’t focus on anything anyone was saying. But I sat there beside my dad while people were coming in and out the house offering their condolences and hand shakes. When the sun went behind the mountain and the skies were getting darker, I heard the front door open and I looked up. He walked in, looked around and we made eye contact, he started walking towards me but stopped. Instead he turned to the living room and walked up to my mom and hugged her. He whispered in her ear and I saw her nod her head. So far she was holding up better than I was. After he hugged her, he shook everyone else’s hand and all I heard was “I’m sorry” over and over. I watched him get closer. Once he got right beside me, he offered my dad half a hug and a hand shake. My dad, not knowing who he was, gave him a small smile. I know my dad was trying to figure out where he had seen him before. I tried not to smile, because I could see it all over his face.
He finally turned to me and leaned down and hugged me. That hug made me cry more and I had my face pressed against his jacket. He smelled like firewood and… just him. That simple hug felt like it lasted for hours, but in reality it probably only lasted 15 seconds. When I look back that is what I remember. Even though my whole body felt like it was dragged for miles, his presence at that moment helped.
After he stayed for almost 30 minutes, he turned to me, smiled and said “Text me… you still have my number?” I smiled back and said “Yes”. He walked out the door and a few minutes later I received a text message.
The next few days went by a little too quickly. Which was probably better for us, but it didn’t leave me and my sisters any time to just… be. Nights were the hardest, because we cried ourselves to sleep and waking up and remembering everything that happened. Christmas came and went. I received more text messages, more Facebook messages… and more hand shakes from people I never met. In the end, after skimming through a majority of them, I kept the messages from a single number.
During those first days all I got were text messages, Facebook messages, phone calls and visits from a shit load of people I knew and didn’t know at all. I hated seeing the notifications of another unread message or text, because I knew it was just another “I’m sorry”. I wanted to throw my phone across the room and just be done with it all. There were just so much thoughts I couldn’t process.
Those first few hours, I did read the few texts I got, because those few hours after my brother was gone, only close family and friends knew. Once people started arriving to the house, I stayed in my mom’s room because there were families in the house that I have never seen in years. I stayed in the room and cried on and off. The boys would come in and out of the room to check on me. I stayed in the room until my dad and sister came home. My chest had this huge ache in it, I felt lost. I couldn’t focus on anything anyone was saying. But I sat there beside my dad while people were coming in and out the house offering their condolences and hand shakes. When the sun went behind the mountain and the skies were getting darker, I heard the front door open and I looked up. He walked in, looked around and we made eye contact, he started walking towards me but stopped. Instead he turned to the living room and walked up to my mom and hugged her. He whispered in her ear and I saw her nod her head. So far she was holding up better than I was. After he hugged her, he shook everyone else’s hand and all I heard was “I’m sorry” over and over. I watched him get closer. Once he got right beside me, he offered my dad half a hug and a hand shake. My dad, not knowing who he was, gave him a small smile. I know my dad was trying to figure out where he had seen him before. I tried not to smile, because I could see it all over his face.
He finally turned to me and leaned down and hugged me. That hug made me cry more and I had my face pressed against his jacket. He smelled like firewood and… just him. That simple hug felt like it lasted for hours, but in reality it probably only lasted 15 seconds. When I look back that is what I remember. Even though my whole body felt like it was dragged for miles, his presence at that moment helped.
After he stayed for almost 30 minutes, he turned to me, smiled and said “Text me… you still have my number?” I smiled back and said “Yes”. He walked out the door and a few minutes later I received a text message.
The next few days went by a little too quickly. Which was probably better for us, but it didn’t leave me and my sisters any time to just… be. Nights were the hardest, because we cried ourselves to sleep and waking up and remembering everything that happened. Christmas came and went. I received more text messages, more Facebook messages… and more hand shakes from people I never met. In the end, after skimming through a majority of them, I kept the messages from a single number.
12/21/13 0818PM
I need you to be strong
12/25/13 6:02AM
Merry Christmas to u and dem boys
12/28/13 5:58PM
He was awesome… met a bunch of people in my life… glad he
was real
he did mean a lot to me though…
he did mean a lot to me though…
I
read this somewhere “Your real
friends are the people who are there when it counts. They are there when you’re
at your absolute worst and you need someone to pick you up off the floor where you've been laying because you've felt like you can get up on your own. They
are there when you are sick, when you are heart-broken, when you feel unwanted
or hated or like everything is going wrong. Your real friends are there, by
your side, holding you up or right behind you, to catch you if you trip.”- Kovie B
I had a lot of close friends who were there for me, but having him there among them is something I will always remember. Closing my eyes and remembering that day of the funeral and looking out at the people in the church, there were only 5 people I made eye contact with, and he was one of them. He gave me some strength and some courage.
No comments:
Post a Comment