Stuck in limbo

It has been over 2 months that I last communicated with John... and I still think I'll hear from him. That at any momwnt he'll text me or call me to tell me he's coming over and that he misses me...

But even hoping for that, I know that it will never happen...

I thought I would be better by now. I swear that this time wasn't as bad as the last times, but who am I kidding? I'm still crying at night, remembering our nights, our trips, the times we hung out. All the laughter and kisses. All I have left are photos of us... the little moments I posted on Facebook... and memories that I don't want to let go of. I'm trying to remember his voice, his laughter... but even that is fading.

Basically, I've become a hopeless heartbroken mess, one I never wanted to be again. I never wanted to go through this again, and even though I try to shrug it off and try to focus on other stuff, it is hard. It's hard to move forward when the one person you wanted to spend your life with is out there with no cares. I get sooo sad and then I get so upset. Does he not know he destroyed me? Does he not know how much he hurt me? He said he loved me, but it was all lies.

Why does it have to hurt this bad??

My 2017 ended so miserable. I started 2018 in another state, trying to run away from my problems... I ended up with the flu, heart still in a spiral and in physical pain. At the end of January, I ended up in the E.R. and in a second after being admitted, getting rolled into surgery. That wasn't fun. But I endured it all. It's been a month since and I still feel like I'm recovering from it. I'm also realizing I've become dependent on the pain meds... and I'm frantically trying to figure out something to get prescribed more, because I'm running out.

So with both of those events, I think I've sunk back into depression...

I'm also trying not to let that affect my parenting,  though... I think it has. I've had no energy or motivation to go to work, cook, clean or do anything. I'm not myself anymore... in past years, I'd be on my 10th or 15th book of the year, but I've only finished one and still trying to finish one that I started in October. I have managed to make it to all of DJ's basketball games and taken Turtle and Kai to theirs. We have also went to a few movie trips, out of town trips... though... I still get shaky going back to Phoenix.

Phoenix, Tempe, or Peoria... the places I always spent with him every other weekend. I'm in between wanting to wipe those memories away but also wanting to relive it over and over again.

With the basketball season ending, DJ will be doing track and field. And will also join his brothers with baseball. I'm happy for them... but I'm also worried with how my work schedule is... I'm going to need help with after school pick ups and drop offs... but I think I'll wait in that til the end of the month.

I'm also still ashamed to go back out... I stopped drinking alcohol a few months ago. Some days I get that urge to drink a whole pitcher of margaritas though. I don't know when or where I'll act on that... it's inevitable... maybe when I officially hit rock bottom. I also don't know when or if I'll be back to myself ti get dressed up to have dinner with friends or to meet up at the hot spots around town. Knowing I'll probably run into him makes me so sad.

So yeah... my quick update...