What is home?

In November, when John and I weren't together for like 3 weeks, I was sooo miserable, totally depressed and feeling pretty much homesick. That was the only way I could describe how I felt. I missed him. Back then he was my home. My home didn't feel like home without him. I was so sad. When I went to Phoenix for a weekend, I couldn't deal, because I always spent my weekends with him. I ended up broken.

The boys and I live about 30-40 minutes away from my parents house, my childhood home. We go back down the mountain to visit at least once a week, if we can. Today, I finally realized how alone I really felt. DJ played in a basketball tournament, so we were in town for a few hours. We went to visit my parents, but I think... this past year really did something to us. Whiteriver did not feel like home... I didn't feel safe or comfortable at all... in my childhood home. I realized that... maybe I don't have a home. That scared me... where do I belong? If all else fails, where do I go? Who do I turn to? It's overwhelming me to think this, because I have 4 sons to think of. What is my plan b?

So... this feeling of being homesick makes me so sad. If I can't find my home with someone I love, and I don't feel like I'm at home where it's supposed to feel like home... then, where is my home? What is wrong with me? I don't know... too many things on my mind. My heart is still hurting so much. My tears fall randomly now... and I don't really care who sees.

I just want my life to get better... I want to be okay now...