I was really hesitant to even bring it up, because I've been keeping it bottled up this past month. But it's Friday and my bruised finger doesn't hurt that much anymore, so it was like a metaphor for me.
Pain doesn't last long.
Yes, I lost my big brother. It's been 2 years, and yes, my eyes are filling up with tears. It sucks. I will probably never get over that. And that event was the most excruciating thing to ever go through. My tears right now are proof of that. The pain in my heart is proof of that. Basically, nothing can top that. Well that is what I thought...
I don't know if anyone could really know my situation with my son's dad. High School sweethearts, had kids together, broke up when I found out he had another family. Now that was at the top of the biggest heartbreak ever. I cried for months, the pain was just... horrible. I gave up on everyone and didn't want nothing to do with men or love. I lost all hope that I would ever find anyone who could love me. The end of that relationship really messed me up, so its kind of weird that my son's dad and I are on good terms and actually talking to each other without ripping each other's faces off. Anyway, point is, it took me years to get over it and continue my life. I focused on my sons, their sports, my parents, my books and my friends. I lost a lot of friends over that, because I cut off a lot of people. Once I got out of that slump, I became friends with new people, and started a new life.
So when I started to date again, I jumped into it without really thinking. I really didn't step back and realize how it might be a good or bad idea. But I did end up jumping into a relationship... one I shouldn't have, because it was too fast. Considering the whole high school sweetheart thing was like my only serious relationship, I didn't know what I was doing with this recent one. I think at the beginning it was so good, that my brain decided it was legit. I grew feelings and acted on those. I thought it was, and the other person felt the same, because well... he did say it more than once. I thought it was amazing. I had so much emotions whirling around in my heart. So after a fun few months, it was really a shock to me that, in one day it can end just like that. No explanation, no closure. I've been sitting here stunned and no where near getting any other answers. The one thing that is running through my mind is that one text. I've been shedding tears on and off over it for the past 3 weeks. And I mean... even at work when my mind is on spreadsheets, tears would be falling. At the store when I am walking down the cereal aisle, tears would be slipping out my eyes. On the drive home listening to my son's talk about their day, those damn tears would just decide to show up. I am such a mess over it. It's so stupid. So yes, this is me trying to get over a failed relationship. And to make it worse. I blame myself for feeling too much. I hate that I love him. I hate that a guy could make me feel so much hurt and not tell me why. And yes... this pain is about that level of losing my brother, but I am putting a brave face on and pretending its not a big deal. I'm going through the motions of getting ready for work, smiling and continuing my life like I know what I am doing. My friends only know so much, heck even my son's dad is my go-to person to cry to. How sad is that? I messed up by contacting this guy, when I was told not to. I made my situation more miserable.
Hahaha, I literally just sent a text to my son's dad just to tell him I'm crying again. He'll probably call me a bunch of names. haha. Okay, no, he just called me a big baby. haha.
So I have not heard from him, and I know I will never hear from him. We live in the same town, and thank God I have not ran into him. I don't know what I will do if I ever run into him. I am not looking forward to the awkward run in... and to see some other girl in his arms. I am not ready to see him in my cousin's wedding (the one I backed out on, because I don't want to have to see him). I already cut off the people who are friends with him, because I don't want to know how happy he is. I know what I am doing is somewhat unhealthy. But... I don't know.
So... recently I was contacted by this guy who I met on Christmas. I had declined his movie date, his contact information... anyway, we had lunch the other day, and the whole while I sat there and felt so horrible. Yeah, he made me laugh, but I kept thinking "'HE' made me laugh and took me to lunch too" I bought my own lunch, because well.. it felt different. I came back from lunch and compared them. I know, I know, that is a shit thing to do. But I did. And... well, I hated it, because "HE" came out on top. All the funny conversations we had ran through my mind. His smile and laughter... his hugs and forehead kisses. I cried after that lunch. I went to the store the other day for taco shells. haha. And I walked by a guy who wore the same cologne he had, and I wanted to turn around and hug that guy. His wife might have had to slap me. haha. So yeah, it kind of might be too soon to go to lunch with another person when you are trying to get over another.
I also need to get my emotions in check.
My friend, Shaunte, went through something similar, so I am leaning on her entirely too much, Every morning our conversations start like this:
Me: "When is it going to get better?"
Her: "It'll take a while..."
Me: *cries*
Her: *cries with me*
Okay, maybe she doesn't cry with me, but she sends me a crying emoji face hahaha. It helps me a little bit, until I pass a stupid brown truck on the road... or a guy with a beard.... hahaha.
So... that is my update this week. My life sucks (to me) right now, but hey, I have chocolate under my desk and coconut water. So for now I am fine.
Have a great weekend.
No comments:
Post a Comment