{Blank} means Life is shit.

If we were having coffee or a cup of hot tea, I would tell you that I am so tired of everything right now.
Motherhood is tiring, friendships are tiring, family life is getting stressful, and the rest... I would throw in the towel right now, but I'm not. Putting up this whole front is getting harder and harder. I don't want to make this post depressing, because I have had too much of that these past couple of months. I've tried the fake it til you make it or whatever, I've tried the stay positive and keep motivated thing, and I have done the just get over it and move on thing. Right now, a long extended vacation is what I need. Maybe checking out in life for a while well get me back to being myself. I don't really know what to do, the vacation thing is just a suggestion from a few people. And they even see how terribly depressed I have been. They see through my fake smiles... those are the ones that are worried. And I hate being the cause of other's concerns.

I need closure. It's been like 3 months, way past the deadline to have the closure "conversation". The last time I heard his voice was the day before Valentine's day, when I made the stupid mistake of calling him. The last time I had any contact with him was through text at the beginning of April. But even that didn't make things any better for me. And every day it is eating away at me. It's at the back of my mind every day. And I can't do anything about it. What do I do? What can I do? I can't start a new relationship without knowing what I did wrong in the last... What if I make the same mistake in the next one, because I didn't know it was THE mistake from the last? This is stressing me out. *inhales* *exhales* What if it was me all along? What if I am the problem? Is it my weight? My height? My laugh? My teeth? My clothes? I just don't know. All these questions... and no answers.
Why am I still not over this? I know he has moved on (I let little information from a few people trickle in) and I know he is happy. But it would be kinda wonderful if I could do the same. Hmmm...
Anyway...

Life is shit.

After unloading all that to you, I would ask you if you want some blueberry muffins. If you are still wanting to chit chat with me, I would continue and tell you that I have not done a single thing on my April to-do list. We would probably laugh about how I can't even stay focused on a list. Then... I would look around to make sure no one is listening (because we are in a nice and tiny coffee shop) and in a low voice, tell you that I have quite the crush on someone. I see shock on your face and I know! I know what you are thinking... How do I even have a crush when I am clearly still not over the last guy? I just can't explain it. With this crush, I am so giddy and the conversations are exciting, but EVERY.TIME I get comfortable, my heart drops, because I think "What if we're communicating too much?" or "What if this is the last time we text, because he's going to send me a snap saying he doesn't want to continue our friendship?"... and "What if it's just me who is enjoying this and he doesn't even have any interest in me?" But... I don't know, after all it is just a crush, nothing will come of it.

We'll continue on this topic, because I want to let you know that I love his voice. His voice is the deepest, manliest voice I have ever heard. I can close my eyes and have his voice put me to sleep. His voice send shivers down my back to the tips of my toes. I have the cheesiest smiles every time I hear his voice. And that is all I want to share with you or anyone...

But nothing will happen between my crush and I, because I am completely messed up from my last relationship. No other guy will want to deal with me, and I don't even know what is wrong with me. I don't know why my crush even talks to me, it's a matter of time before he figures out why the other guy broke up with me and will stop our friendship or whatever it is we're doing. And I will still be sitting here wondering what the hell is going on. My heart still in the process of healing, but it will just break again. It will be another blow, and I don't know if I can take it anymore... can I even pick myself back up from the next time?

You're staring at me with that look in your eyes. You're pitying me. And I don't blame you. Before, I would get upset, but now I don't care. I don't care anymore... I don't know what that says about me. It's just a matter of time...

May is a couple of days away... I am hoping my life gets better, and I won't be updating the same thing next month. Jo says it gets easier, Shaun says I will be okay. I am holding them to that. I will wait and see. For now I will continue doing whatever I am doing and hoping with all my heart, my life stops being shitty and I can one day wake up and everything will be back to normal. I can actually have a genuine smile and no more huge choking feeling in my throat. No more feeling like I am not worthy of anyone.